They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
