I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
