do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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