I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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