the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
