Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
