well I can't set my house on fire every night
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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