No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
