Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
