She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
