based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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