so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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