I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
