Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
