I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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