You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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