Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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