He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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