I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
