First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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