I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
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Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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