if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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