to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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