I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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