I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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