I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
