If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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