last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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