I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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