Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
