I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
