It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
