You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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