Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
