I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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