I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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