Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
