Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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