Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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