Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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