I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize