Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
