Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Pooping to opera.
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