I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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