Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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