he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
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You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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