Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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