Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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