Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
