I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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