I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize