Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
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There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
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I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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