He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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