You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
