I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
