My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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