I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
