He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
