the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
