I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
