Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
